Seeking Different
Single Mother by Choice (former co-host of The Mocha SMC Podcast) Hera McLeod teams up with her precocious nine year old daughter Estela for the podcast "Seeking Different". The Mom and Kid duo explore what it looks like to navigate the world as a non-traditional family. They discuss hot topics such as donor sibling relationships, family travel, school choice, race relations, and navigating the playground.
Seeking Different
Seeking Different: Season 2, Episode 5: Conquering Back-to-School Anxiety and Planning Epic Play Dates
Remember the buzz of preparing for a new school year? Those summer play dates that were the perfect blend of fun and preparation for the upcoming educational journey? We, Hera and Estela, take you back to those times, sharing personal anecdotes as we navigate the world of play dates - the joy, the inclusion, and the potential challenges. We even touch on the exciting yet nerve-wracking process of transitioning from a carefree summer to a structured school year.
Our conversation dives into the distinction between play dates held for kids starting a new school and parties during the year. We also share our insights about the pros and cons of hosting play dates at public venues versus at home. We discuss how to deal with mean kids and bullying, how to handle birthday party anxieties, and how to strike the balance between having a lively party and avoiding drama. Our regular special guest Isa adds a delightful touch, sharing her favorite play date activities from a 4 year old kid's perspective. Join us for a heartfelt and candid discussion that every parent, and child, can relate to!
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Hi, I'm Hera the mom and I'm Estela the kid, and this is Seeking Different. There are times when everyone feels different or left out. As a non-traditional mom and kid family, we're sitting out to explore all the ways that families can be different. This is Seeking Different. Hi everyone, welcome to Seeking.
Hera:Different, all right. So this week we are in the thick of back-to-school season and we know a lot of kids have actually started back, and I think you guys have a little FOMO about it, don't you? I have a lot of FOMO.
Hera:I really want to start school, so bad it's really hard because in our area they have like waves of back-to-school start, so it's like some kids go back really really early, but pretty much by now most everybody has gone back, which by the time this airs, you guys will almost be back to school, and so we figured we would have an episode to really talk about the back-to-school prep and the whole back-to-school season and how that feels from the perspective of a mom and the perspective of kids. So the first thing I want to talk about is summer play dates, like the time leading up to school starting. How are they going, Stella?
Estela:This. Well, the last summer play date wasn't the best. They were just like a bunch of kids and the park just wasn't that like good.
Hera:What do you think are like the best locations for a summer play date, and why?
Estela:I think that that's the best location for a summer play date is like a regular park, like with regular stuff to go on, not like all the rock walls and like water parks right next to it, because then that makes it hard, because, like if you didn't bring a bathing suit and then, and all the other kids were wearing bathing suits, they're going in the water park, but you didn't want to, then you wouldn't really feel included.
Hera:So making sure that everybody is prepared for the activity.
Estela:Yeah, so like if you and like. So if you go to a regular park for a regular play date, then it'll be normal, because there'll just be a bunch of people playing.
Hera:And everybody could do the same thing.
Estela:Yeah, but like at water parks and like really big parks that doesn't have, that has like too much stuff that they don't need, then it'll, everybody will be in different places and then, like, some people won't be including the other people.
Hera:Yeah, play dates are always interesting leading up to school and for us this year it was different because you and Issa are also starting a brand new school. So I would say the difference between Issa's play dates and your play dates is like in Issa's class, everyone's brand new, right. Issa, how did your play dates go Good? What was your favorite play date? What is your favorite play date activity? Issa?
Estela:The water things and the slides.
Hera:So Issa really likes slides and water things. But to Stella's point, I think you had to be prepared for the water park, right, stella?
Estela:Yeah, you'll have to actually be prepared, because if you don't know that it's a water park, then kids won't start like kids. All the kids would be in their bathing suits and you would be the only one without a bathing suit, and if there are too much kids, then some of them would maybe make you feel a little bit left out.
Hera:So the key to play dates is also smaller groups. I agree with that, I think, because I think sometimes with large groups, especially when they're new kids, kids tend to like break off into their little factions and then the new kids may not really have a faction yet because school hasn't started and they don't really know anyone. So if you're a parent who is new to a school, my recommendation is to actually host your own party, which is what we did this summer, right, stella?
Estela:We hosted our own party and everybody was prepared because mom, because there weren't that many kids and mommy sent an email that it would be like a tiny pool, so if you want to go in, then bring your bathing suit. So when, with the kids in the pool, they wouldn't get out and they're like splashing on our Jenga blocks and they were like really being very violent in there. And then they're like splashing everywhere when we were getting dry.
Hera:Stella calls it a tiny pool. It's not like a tiny, tiny pool. So we're not talking about like a backyard kids pool. We're talking about a swim spa which is like for our listeners, like a really big hot tub, basically with a swim like a side of it that has a swim side and there's a current that you can use if you want to swim. So it's not like tiny, tiny, but it's definitely not like a large enough pool that kids can do rough housing in.
Estela:So I think that was part of. The kids were rough housing in it, though, and they were being dangerous and so they were hurting themselves. And then they were like, and I was like, are you okay? And they were like, oh, I'm not hurt, but like they had like bruise and it was so annoying.
Hera:Yes, I think that's one of the hard parts about hosting a party, because you get nervous about other people doing things that are maybe dangerous. So I guess that could be something that could be an advantage of having a party at the park, because then you don't really have to worry about, like, what other people are doing because they're not your house.
Estela:Well, also, when you're doing a party at your house, like if it's your party, then it kind of makes you feel like if someone gets hurt, then it's like you cause it or like it's your responsibility they get hurt because it's your party at your house.
Hera:Yeah, that makes total sense.
Estela:So that's what made me really nervous.
Hera:So would you say, from the kid perspective, if you're doing a play leading up to school, do you think that it's less stressful to do it at like a public venue, like a park, than it is to do it at your house, or would you still prefer the house over the park?
Estela:I would prefer the park over the house, because at your house you would have to wake up really early, get everything ready. Then, once the kids get there, they might find stuff that you didn't want them to find. They might like start messing around with it. They might break something.
Hera:And then you don't necessarily know the kids if it's like a play date at a new school, so I totally get that Okay. So, as parents plan for back to school, one of the things as a parent, or one of the questions I have for you, Stella, is like how old do you think is old enough for kids to pack their own lunch?
Estela:Like in the middle of nine years old maybe.
Hera:In the middle of nine years old. You think you just started packing your own lunch.
Estela:No, I would only pack my lunch like some days of the week, but some days you would pack it, some days grandma would pack it. Some days I would pack it. Some days I would help you pack it.
Hera:So I have a confession to make. What I hate packing lunches. I hate it so much. I hate meal prep, I hate planning because you guys also have like things about what kind of like you have. Like you're very particular about what you want in your lunch and each of you have like a different peculiarity and I just I hate planning it. So I'm really excited this year because the school has a cafeteria and I don't have to pack lunch anymore. But so parents at home I guess if you have nine year olds, stella thinks that they are old enough to pack your lunch.
Estela:Well, it actually depends if you are old enough, like really you have to choose if you're packing your own lunch.
Hera:Do you think so? The nine year old has one.
Estela:It depends on when you choose to pack your lunch. Well, some nine year olds might not even want to pack their lunch.
Hera:I mean, I didn't say want to, I said how old do you think they would be before they could pack their own lunch?
Estela:So if you need to know how to like do things, like get things ready.
Hera:So if you don't know how to do that.
Estela:yet then you're not ready to pack your own lunch, but for me I was ready when I was nine.
Hera:Okay, so she was ready when she was nine, I think, stella, but some other?
Estela:people might not be ready.
Hera:Do you remember how old you were when you started like making your own breakfast? Eight, okay.
Estela:So like seven and a half Seven ish.
Hera:So I felt very liberated the first time you made your own breakfast, because it meant that I could actually sleep and I didn't have to eat. Okay, like right after. So like you had to be old enough to like reach the milk.
Estela:Yeah.
Hera:Which was probably like close to eight.
Estela:But also I didn't learn how to make myself toast yet, but like I learned how to get the milk.
Hera:And pour your own cereal without like making a mess. Yeah, so that's probably like roughly the age where you can start getting them to start preparing their own lunch. I would recommend getting some things like cheese sticks and apple sauce and like things they can just grab out of the refrigerator or the snack drawer and then maybe like pre-make some things on Sunday that they could just put.
Estela:Oh yogurt.
Hera:Oh, yogurt is a really good one, because they can just grab the yogurt and put it in their lunch.
Estela:So bagels, you would have to like get everything out and make it.
Hera:Yeah, you don't want to have anything that they're going to like require cutting or knives or like spreading things, I think till you're probably like nine, and then you can probably spread it yourself.
Estela:But like use a butter knife, not like an actual knife knife.
Hera:Right, don't like cut your hand off trying to make lunch. Yeah, okay, so let's talk about school anxiety and excitement. What are you nervous about?
Estela:I'm nervous about having mean kids again because last year and the year before I was having a really hard, stressful time with the mean kids at school and I was really stressing out, and this year I had a really bad year, but I was. I'm hoping that this year will be better and that there won't be as much mean kids. I'm also worried that there might be like similar mean kids that I don't want to deal with anymore because I can't handle it.
Hera:So Stella and I yesterday had a conversation where, remember, I explained to you cope ahead.
Estela:Yeah, so you know that there's going to be a mean kid. You know what to do, so you're going to cope ahead of the situation.
Hera:Yes, so you know, there's a mean kid and at some point the witches are going to come out. Except we use a different word that starts with the B, but at some point the witches are going to come out. And when they come out, what are you going to do?
Estela:That's a witch.
Hera:Yes, that's a witch, I'm ready for it. I know what this looks like, and the beauty of going to a school with lots of kids is that, even if one person's gonna be a witch, then there's gonna be, like, tons of other people that you can choose to play with, exactly, and not just a bunch of other witches.
Hera:Exactly, there's gonna be tons of other witches. One thing that Issa did this year I can't remember if we told our listeners about this, but it was really funny. We should actually get Issa to tell us the story. Okay, so Issa, Stella and I were just talking about coping ahead and what to do when bullies are bullying, and it always happens. So what do you do when kids are mean to you at school?
Estela:There was this one time that Caleb said he didn't want to be my friend again and then I said hey, that's okay, you will be back.
Hera:So Issa, on the other hand, was like eh, that's okay, you'll be back. And guess what? What Caleb came back, didn't he? Yes, he did. So that's how Issa copes ahead. But, stella, not everybody is like that and that's okay. And so another thing we talked about is how, when kids are being mean or there's like really stressful situation, what's something else you can do? Tell the teacher. You could tell the teacher.
Estela:Yes, but I'm really. But I just want a year or at least a week where I can handle it myself or walk away and I don't have to start telling the teacher.
Hera:That's a good point. And crying that's a good point, Cause you get to a point or an age when you don't want to be a snitch. It's probably fine at Issa's age, right? You can just always tell the teacher Issa.
Estela:Because you can just be.
Hera:Is it still okay, issa and Pre-K, to tell the teacher?
Estela:Yes, yeah, is it kind of like like someone goes like I'm not going to be your friend anymore, I don't like you, and then you just go like hey, teacher, can you talk to her? And then, like the problem is handled and I'm sorry, and I'm really like that and this and this, like teacher, they will be mean to me, like that. And then they say sorry yeah.
Hera:I mean it's a little bit more complicated as you get older, though, right Stala, much more complicated. So you can't just go and like snitch to the teacher when somebody's being a witch.
Estela:But also one similar thing that's from when you were older and younger is that you think that they're a friend, but they're not.
Hera:Hmm, that's a good point. So watch out for the kids who are super nice and act like they're your friends, but if they decide not to stick up to the mean kids, they're probably not really your friend. Yeah, no, although sometimes it's hard, because I think sometimes, when kids get closer to middle school which is what you are it's hard to like be strong enough to swim against the current. Do you understand what that means? No, well, like, if you're in our pool and you're like swimming and there's a current coming at you, it's like really hard. Yeah, so if you're a really strong swimmer, you can deal with the current and you can still keep swimming, but if you're not that strong of a swimmer, you're gonna like sink, right?
Estela:Or you're gonna go flip backwards, yeah, or you're gonna flip backwards and just like go crazy, right.
Hera:So what I'm like, the reason I'm using this analogy is I think that if you're a really strong person and you're really confident, you can stick up to the bullies and be like, hey, stop being a bully which you are, stella, right Like you've done that before in bullies when they're bullying other people, yeah. So what are you really excited about?
Estela:I am super excited to get better education and learn math in new ways that will actually make me understand and meet new kids and make lots of new friends.
Hera:Awesome. So what do you expect the first couple of weeks to be like? What is the first couple of weeks like at school when you start?
Estela:Usually it's kind of like confusing and hard. Well, the first day it's like really easy. It's basically just like a bunch of like introductions and like hey, what's your name? Then, as the days go, it kind of like gets harder and harder.
Hera:What about rules? Like is the first couple of days, like all about the rules. Sometimes, Does that get like more or less as you get older?
Estela:So Well, at my old school, when you were a little kid, they would tell you, they would tell you the rules more, but but they didn't need more rules because they were acting amazing. Then, as you got older, they would tell you the rules less, but they. So as you got older, they would tell you the rules less, but you would also act worse. So you needed more, more telling of the rules. So, I think that they should tell each kid the same amount of rules.
Hera:So they shouldn't lessen the rules, assuming that the kids are actually going to pay attention, because it seems like when they get older they actually see, yeah, like fourth grade.
Estela:the teachers had to yell at us.
Hera:That's not good.
Estela:And, like almost every week and every day, there would be one teacher getting extra mad because we wouldn't be paying attention.
Hera:Did I tell you that I used to be a teacher? You knew that, right? Yeah, okay, so I used to be a teacher and I always used to say be mean. And like when I was in, when I was in school to be a teacher, they always said be mean into Halloween. Do you know why?
Estela:Why.
Hera:Because like it's easier to start out the school year with like lots of rules and lots of structure and then like ease up a little bit when the kids are like getting used to it and being better. But if you like start out with no rules and no structure, then like the kids are going to go crazy and it's like much harder to like all of a sudden be like okay, now we're going to have rules, because they're going to be like what You're not rules person. And so they always say, be mean into Halloween. It doesn't really mean like be mean, it means like you know, be firm and have a lot of organization. And then, once Halloween rolls around, the kids have been school long enough to like get used to it and so you can like start giving them some more privileges.
Estela:Well, not at my school.
Hera:I mean good teachers typically have like good classroom structure, though, and like I remember your teacher in third grade was amazing. Remember what she used as like her classroom structure. Do you remember like the reward system?
Estela:Oh yeah.
Hera:That was like brilliant.
Estela:It was amazing. There was an award chart, a behavior chart, and then we had clips and then we would move our clips up and since her classroom theme was sport, it would be like ready to play, getting warmer, and then like VIP. Oh, and then at the very bottom it was like bench, because if you're working like really good and you had to go out of the classroom, that would be benched. Oh, there are clips and whenever you do something really nice, you move up the chart and then, once you get to VIP, you get to choose a prize at a specific class.
Hera:Okay, so she had things under control. Another thing that I really liked about her is that she would have the secret student of the day and the secret student of the day she would not tell the person who got chosen, and so everybody in the class thought they might be student of the day, right. So, like, encourage the kids to be good even if they, like like everybody, could be student of the day. So at the very end of the day, she would reveal the student of the day if the student had been good, but if the student hadn't been good, she wouldn't reveal the name, and so if you had been good and you got picked student of the day, you got to also pick a prize, right?
Estela:Because with the student of the day you like. So she had like these like little eraser boxes for eraser pets and in the box you so on the first day you got to decorate your home, your little home for your erasers and then you put it on your desk and then the student of the day she got they get to put on, get put to the pet adoption center and they get to pick their eraser pet.
Hera:Mommy is MI, dad is better than mommy and he performs a Op&D of Love Together by his own, anxious about school starting because the schedules get crazier, so that's one thing mommy's nervous about. There's like a million things to remember as a parent, so I'm constantly writing things down.
Estela:At least we have the whiteboard in the kitchen.
Hera:Yes, we do have a whiteboard in the kitchen, which helps a lot, but mama has ADHD, and so I am always like my brain is always thinking, but then I'm also always forgetting all the things that I have to do, and so I have to write it down everywhere. And when school starts, things get massively crazy, with all the meetings and all the play dates and all the school events and all the things.
Estela:Oh, I remember last year when you would like always forget, like.
Hera:I know I would forget things like that.
Estela:And then, like on the tag day, when I would be like so excited not to wear my uniform, you would forget. And then I would be like, yeah, I see that's the thing.
Hera:Like they do these things and they'll like put it. They'll the school will like drop it in an email. They'd be like, oh, fyi, friday is pajama day. But like they'll tell us this like weeks beforehand and of course, by the time pajama day rolls around, I've completely forgotten that it's pajama day because I have a million other things on my mind. So I am nervous about that and I am trying to find ways to better organize myself. So if any of our listeners have tips for me, that does not include just putting it in my phone calendar, because right now it's my only coping mechanism. I have all ears. But one thing I'm really excited about is you guys haven't had camp for weeks and no school for weeks. So mommy's really excited that you're going back to school, because then you won't be bored.
Estela:So if I have like school or camp, then, I could just like sit there learning or doing an activity and I'm not having to sit around all day and be doing things over and over again.
Hera:All right. So one last thing before we wrap. What I also think about with the start of school is birthday party planning, because both of my kids have parties or birthdays that are before December. So my question to you, Stella, is what makes a good party from the perspective of a kid?
Estela:Cake games and an awesome place to hang out while you're having the birthday party, but also maybe sometimes pizza.
Hera:OK, so cake or cupcakes.
Estela:Cupcakes. Well, for me it's cupcakes because they're really cute, tiny and they're easy, because you can just pull them out of the pack and give them. But I don't like cakes as much because you have to carry them in the bag pack and then cut them in certain pieces. But really with the cupcakes you just hold the pack and give it out.
Hera:Yeah, I think cupcakes are way better. I don't really understand why anyone does cake anymore at kids parties.
Estela:Remember the tea party. The tea party was really fun, Like remember. Yes, we did that when we would make our own sandwiches and chai and then, after, we would give cupcakes.
Hera:That was a good one. So that was a couple of years ago. Stella decided she just wanted to have a few of her girlfriends over to do a really nice tea party. So we had all the teas, we had all these, we had a menu for everyone. I thought that was good. But home parties are really hard. Like you said earlier, they can be really stressful, right.
Estela:Yeah, because last time one girl broke the other's glasses. And then the other girl was super upset yeah.
Hera:And then the other girl.
Estela:she was like oh, I'm always breaking stuff at people's houses. I hate it, I shouldn't come anymore.
Hera:Yeah, I think that house birthday parties bring on more drama. I remember when I was a kid I think it was sixth grade I had my first sleepover party and it was dramatic Really. Everybody was crying. It was girls crying, girls being mean. I think one girl said something about someone's bra and it caused a huge thing what.
Hera:There was another girl who put a girl's bra in the freezer. It was just really dramatic and I was really stressed out because I was only in sixth grade, so that means I was probably I don't know like 12. And I didn't know what to do because these girls were being ratchet and witchy and they were in my house, and so it was such a dramatic event that when we met back to school they had us meet with the school counselor because it was such a dramatic party, which I think is why I have slumber party anxiety when it comes to you, Because either a slumber party can be amazing or it can be really bad.
Estela:Well, you don't know about it because since didn't you go to a different school in sixth grade and maybe that school isn't as good as the school you're going to right now?
Hera:I don't think that it is.
Estela:I think it really depends on the kids, because you don't know if the school that I'm going to right now is going to have amazing kids, ok, but let's be honest.
Hera:I think part of the problem with the sixth grade birthday party was that I had to invite all the girls in the class and I wasn't friends with all the girls in the class and the girls in the class weren't friends with each other. So I actually think a successful slumber party is probably better with a fewer amount of kids.
Estela:In my school everybody is friends with each other OK, fair, and I'm friends with everybody almost every day.
Hera:But I think realistically, Stella, you can't have a party with 20 girls and not have drama Like girls are diabolical.
Estela:That's just not how it works. No like, maybe like five girls.
Hera:OK, that's fine, Like if you want to have a smaller party. But I think the hard part about birthdays and this probably changes when you get older but like at East's age, you have to invite the whole class, right, like all 20 kids have to be invited. And as you get older, not everybody has to be invited. But then if people aren't invited, there's like feelings involved and like kids are super ratchet, so like somebody will be saying like oh, you know, I didn't get invited to the party. So I think this is why, for as long as you can, having a party out and not at your house is actually less dramatic.
Estela:With a slumber party like. I feel like we should probably think about it as we should. I really want to try to do a slumber party on my birthday, but still, as we go through the year at year, I could try picking out kids for it.
Hera:Maybe not on your birthday, because I think by the time October rolls around it's going to be a little bit too early to assess who would not be dramatic at a birthday party, and you really don't want the bra in the freezer situation Like what happened at mama's party.
Estela:Wait, like did a girl find her bra in the freezer.
Hera:Yes, someone thought it was funny to put another girl's bra in the freezer.
Estela:Was it cold and frozen. It was gross.
Hera:It was just really gross and unnecessary. Thanks everyone for joining us this week. We're really hoping that everybody has an exciting and not dramatic first week of school.
Estela:Happy back to school everybody. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to Seeking Different. If you like what you heard, share us with your family and friends. Tell us what you'd like to hear on future episodes and share your stories about belonging and family.
Hera:You can connect with us on Instagram at Seeking Different.
Estela:See you next time.
